Mommy’s Plate

So, how do you optimize your dining experience with your children?

I’d like to share my thoughts -these are based on a little bit of science and a lot of experience…

They are children, you know.

There are several baseline factors that come into play for your chld as an individual.  First, their age, but more importantly their developmental stage.  These are general developmental milestones that follow children’s ages, but keep in mind that each child develops at their own pace, and your child may be more advanced, or more delayed than these guidelines.

0-6 months: Babies don’t do much.  They sleep (good), they eat (typically good, can be bad if you have to breastfeed and eat at the same time), and they cry (not so good).  If you have a colicky baby, you’ll be rolling the dice every time you go out.  So try to not go when they have their cranky times, try to go when they’ll be asleep or right after they’ve been fed.  I was known to feed the baby in the car before going in to a restaurant when we had babies!

6-9 months: This might be the “golden age” of eating out.  Typically, they don’t have stranger anxiety, they are happy, and they can sit up on their own.  This is a great time to go out with your friends.  Just make sure they’ve had their nap, aren’t overly tired and that you bring some food for them!

9-12 months:  Now, the stranger anxiety comes in, the desire to be held becomes very strong.  This translates into a desire to be out of their high chair.  You might start having some mini-battles.  Luckily, many of these can be remedied by giving in.  Remember, that these little ones are too young to understand why you aren’t holding them.  So you might as well distract or give in.  Ogre and I would just take turns eating when this came up.  Be careful about food choices,  at this age, they can pick up food and put it in their mouth, but they may not be paying attention to the size of the morsel or chewing it well!

12-15 months:  This might be the worst time ever to take a kid to a restaurant.  Now they really get demanding, still can’t understand or be reasoned with and they can make a HUGE mess!  They’re very grabby and they like to throw stuff on the floor also!  Distraction is going to be your best bet at ths age.

15-24 months:  This is when you can really start “training” your children to be good restaurant-goers.  I started with Benji at about 15 months.  It’s still hit or miss if he’s going to “get it,” but I put forth the effort and I try to be consistent so that he begins to understand our expectations.  They become very independent at this age also, so watch out.  They are going to want to feed themselves and, again, it can be a huge mess!

2 years - 3 years:  2 and 3 year olds really like to color so now all those crayons and coloring papers can be put to good use.  Their attention span is starting to increase, so you might get away with longer dinners.  Now you can start having more expectations with their behavior.  They understand simple cause and effect and you can use this to your advantage to negotiate some behaviors.   You can start explaining (in simple terms) why they need to behave and eat well.  Keep in mind, though, that they cannot fully express themselves verbally, so you may still run into some temper tantrums.

3 years -4 years:  This aged group will spend even more time on their coloring and activities, have longer attention spans, and can be reasoned with.  They are also skillful at using a spoon and fork!  Your children will probably make less of a mess now!  This where you want to really be consistent with your expectations of good behavior in restaurants.

5 years and older:  Hopefully, by this age, you have a good foundation to build on for good behavior at restaurants.  Positive, and even negative reinforcement can work well to motivate a child into the type of behavior that is anticipated.  Unfortunately, their independent thinking may be a force to reckon with when it comes to settling children down or getting them to eat healthfully.

Secondly, their temperment.  Each child is born with their natural temperment.  Some kids are laid back and easy going, others can’t stand still!  You’ll want to keep this in mind when choosing the type of restaurant you go to.  The child that can’t sit still for a long period of time should not be going out to eat at a restaurant where dinner is anticipated to last two hours. 

Thirdly, their mood.  Remember that just because you’ve had a great day, does not mean that your child is having a great day.  They may not have napped well, they may be a little under weather, or their just in a bad mood.  Put yourself in their shoes.  If you are already in a bad mood, to be forced to sit at a table quietly and at the pace of the restaurant is going to be tough to handle no matter how old you are!  If you want to optimize your dining experience, keep everyone’s moods in mind and consider skipping going out if your child is not in an optimal mood.  You’ll probably see on our blog that the days that Benji didn’t nap or is not feeling well are the days that we tend to have more of a fiasco!

 

The following are experienced based suggestions…

Timing

If you don’t go out very often, aren’t sure how your child will react in a new restaurant, or it’s a restaurant that’s a little nicer than where you typically go, consider going early -5 o’clock or 5:30.  The reasoning behind this includes:

1. The waitstaff is fresh.  They have probably not dealt with a grumpy customer, they don’t have a ton of tables, and they have more time to devote to you.  They probably won’t have a ton of tables yet, so they can be more attentive to you so your kids have bread on the table or drinks right away. 

2. The kitchen won’t be backed up.  You’ll be first in line to get your order in.  Part of a good restaurant experience is that there is a good tempo to your meal.  There shouldn’t be too much wait time -that just invites boredome to your table and boredom invites bad behavior. 

3. The restaurant won’t be crowded.  I know that I start to get stressed out if I feel like there are people staring at me and my kids, even if they’re just being loud (and not necessarily bad).  It’s hard to enjoy a meal when you don’t feel comfortable while you dine.

 

Be prepared

Try to know before you go. 

1.  Know if they have a children’s menu or if they have items your child will like.  If you still want to go, bring your child some inconspicuous snacks.  I will not endorse bringing Mickey D’s to the table, but if you choose to, that’s your decision.

2. Know if they have things to keep your child entertained.  By that I mean: do they have books?  do they have coloring pages and crayons or activity pages?  If not, bring your own.  It’s nice to keep a spare box of crayons (or markers in the Texas heat) and a coloring book in the car just in case.  We bring Mina’s little sushi toy when we eat sushi knowing that there will not be anything to keep her busy and dinner will likely go long.  I am personally not a fan of DS at the table, but if that works for you, then great!

3. Know if kids are “okay” at the restaurant.  Particularly for the nicer restaurants, call ahead and see what their policy is.  If they say it’s okay, let them know when you’re coming, they may want to put you somewhere so that you might be more comfortable with your family. 

 

Be consistent

1.  Good restaurant behavior begins at home.  Even when we eat at home, our children are expected to sit at the table until we tell them it’s okay to leave the table.  They are expected to eat well and behave well at home also.

2.  Train your kids to behave well in restaurants.  Reinforce good behavior.  Thank them for eating well and being patient.  Let them know they’re doing a great job!  We use a lot of high fives at the Phipps table.  Yes, we use bribery with Mina when we go out to eat sometimes.  Dessert, a special treat when we get home, a quarter, sometimes whatever it takes, but make sure that you are using your bribes appropriately and infrequently so that it’s not expected!  And don’t give them the treat if they didn’t behave as expected!

Even at the youngest of age, make sure they know their expectations.  Each age is different as above, but as soon as you think they can understand, let them know when they are not acting appropriately.  Starting at about age 15 months, when Benjamin started having meltdowns because he didn’t get what he wanted, he and I would go outside (good for the other restaurant patrons) and wouldn’t go back in until he calmed down.  This took several times, but those battles are much less frequent now.  Now that he is grasping the concept of ownership, we point out who each drink and plate belongs to including his so he’s not whining for other people’s stuff.

For Mina, who can be reasoned with, she is reminded that there are certain behaviors that we do not act out in restaurants.   She has quickly learned that there are “loud” and “quiet” restaurants.  She does not like the “quiet” restaurants.

 

Be flexible

You never know what’s going to happen.  Adapt to the situation.  There are times when I’ve had to finish dinner alone because Ogre had to take Mina out of the restaurant.  MANY times, I’ve taken Benji outside to wander around while Ogre pays the bill or Mina finishes up dinner.  Try to keep everyone in a good or, at least, even keeled mood.  No need to antagonize your toddler when they’re already decompensating.   There are times when I’ve been so fed up that we’ve left the restaurant.  I’m sure that if the kids were totally out of control, we’d get our food to go to save the other restaurant patrons.  It happens sometimes, don’t let it ruin your dreams of going out to eat though, hopefully those will be isolated incidents.

 

Be respectful

ALWAYS consider the people around you. 

This includes the other restaurant patrons.  Remember that they wanted to have a great evening out, too.  Maybe some of them left their kids at home with a babysitter and were looking forward to a night out without the kids.  Now, I’m not saying to go out of your way to accomodate them, but realize that they’re there and try to keep your kids from throwing spaghetti on them (my worst nightmare). 

There’s also the restaurant owners.  They may, in their minds, be going out of their way to accomodate your family’s presence.  Call ahead for the nicer restaurants and heed their suggestions.  Thank them if they do a great job with your family.

And lastly, don’t forget the restaurant.  Try not to leave the most ridiculous mess ever behind you when you leave.  Clean up as much as you can, and tip accordingly.  The waitstaff does not get paid extra for our crazy children and the mess they might leave behind!

 

Don’t forget to have a good time!  If you are stressed out, your kids will be stressed out.  Make dining out fun so you’re kids enjoy it and look forward to it, too!